RIZALFAKHRI.ID

The Strange Feeling

December 22, 2020

Some says it’s the existential crisis, some says it’s just a phase to officially become an adult, and whatnot.

Staring outside the window for hours. Thinking about what are you. Why did you exists.

Denying that it would occur to you as strong-minded human being.

Dusk set, the orange sun rays hit your face through the window, forming dark siluet of your body.

You always feel strong, feel different from others, you always feel you have something that other doesn’t.

What happen inside my heart, why did I feel this, I never felt it before.

I hate this feeling, I hate my emotions!

If only I’m not exists..



..



You miss love, but you hate your own emotion.

You miss laugh, but you hate your own emotion.

You miss hug, but you hate your own emotion.

You miss families, but again.. you hate your own emotion.

You hate yourself, you hate your own emotion, making you feel weak.

Looking for somebody to blame. But there’s nobody to blame, with the fact that you don’t even know what happen to you.

Everything seems perfect, then everything fall apart the next morning. You don’t know why.


You try to escape your own mind.

Watching porn, getting high, drunk, using drugs, self-harm, & crying, just to distract your own mind.

It’s 3:45 AM, The Anxiety storming you, it’s when suddenly the thought of suicide come.

Your hand is shaking, your body is trembling, tears coming out and falling down on both of your cheeks.

And you still don’t know why.

You set the speed-dial on your phone in case like this happen.

But you don’t have the courage to press it.

Because you afraid that the people on the other side wouldn’t understand you.


You bear an unbearable weight on your chest, don’t know how to release it.

You want to talk about it, but no one to talk about it.

You don’t trust yourself anymore, let alone trusting others.

The world is big, but you didn’t feel that way.

And you still don’t know why.


Weekends feel the same for you.

Fatigue, tired, muscle pain, headache, and million others extreme uncomfortable feelings.

Your morning coffee doesn’t have the effect you’re looking for.

Your favourite breakfast feel inedible.

Your favourite TED Talk makes you sick.

Your favourite playlist become unhearable random audiowaves.


In an attempt to calm your mind,

You try Yoga. Meditation. Herbal tea. Ancient Indian ritual.

Doesn’t work.

And you still don’t know why.


Time passes very very slowly..

The only thing you can do to beat time is sleep.

With hope that everything will be better when you wake up.

But it isn’t, it worse.

And you still don’t know why.


But you feel something on your sleep.

Your mind calm, you’re free, you can fly, the weight on your chest is lifted.

You feel alive.

On your sleep.


You wake up, crying, back to reality.

You try to sleep again and again, as you think it is the only way to escape your mind.

But you can’t.

You mind get overwhelmed by thoughts.

And you still don’t know why.


You pick up your phone. open your gallery app.

You saw old photos of you, with your friends, with your family,

The photo of 5-years old you crying on your first day on kindergarten because your parents leaving you, to go home,

The photo of you with your family on Hari Raya, New Year, Christmas,

The photo of you with your family on your family trip to Japan,

The photo of your new-born brother at the hospital, with the happy face on both of your parents,

The photo of you with your older sister fighting about who get the last pizza slice,

The photo of your sweet 17 birthday,

The photo of your first day on your university dorm, with your new roomate,

The photo of you with your friends working on your assignment till late night,

The photo of you drinking your first beer,

The photo of you when you graduate from university, with the smile on your parents face, it’s so happy moment,

The photo of you on your first job.


You finally understand what’s wrong with you, what is missing from you.

You close the gallery app, call your parents, call your friends, talking about nothing, and everything, for hours.

You got your confident back, you hit the gym, start working out again.

You update the long-abandoned blog you started when you’re on university.

You close the book, starting new chapter.

With better you.


You strong, You can do it!

Talk to someone you trust.

Talk to your Parent, Brother, Sister, Friend, anyone.

They’ll understand.

Fin.


Rizal Fakhri

This is personal blog by Rizal Fakhri.
I wrote lots of code & opinions here, but pssst... sometimes weird things.