The Purpose

When I take you to the Valley, you’ll see the blue hills on the left and the blue hills on the right,

The rainbow and the vineyards under the rainbow late in the rainy season,

And maybe you’ll say, “There it is, that’s it!”

But I’ll say. “A little farther.” We’ll go on, I hope,

And you’ll see the roofs of the little towns and the hillsides yellow with wild oats, a buzzard soaring and a woman singing by the shadows of a creek in the dry season, and maybe you’ll say, “Let’s stop here, this is it!”

But I’ll say, “A little farther yet.”

We’ll go on, and you’ll hear the quail calling on the mountain by the springs of the river, and looking back you’ll see the river running downward through the wild hills behind, below, and you’ll say, “Isn’t that the Valley?”

And all I will be able to say is “Drink this water of the spring, rest here awhile, we have a long way yet to go and I can’t go without you.”

— Ursula K. Le Guin, Always Coming Home

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Home,

I forgot how it feel to be home, the feel of the place that I call home, the place where all of the best memories happens, the place where all of this monstrosity begin.

Like many other things in the world, I do not feel a thing when something big happen slowly, I just know that I have arrived at some kind of immaginary checkpoint in which there are no going back.

Sometimes, happiness is my companion, most of the time, the combination of “wtf I’m doing? + why I’m sad? + what should I do? + wtf is this?! + I’m lost, please help” is my companion.

I didn’t find joy of things that is used to be fun, hobby? wtf is that?!

Perhaps, along the way, I forgot how to have fun.

It’s scary.

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Each and every one of us walks on our own paths, and if you ever meet or know me in person, maybe our path are crossing, and I’m very glad to be part of your path, and very glad having you on mine.

Speaking of path, where are you going? no— what are you doing?

Perhaps you know exactly where are you going and what you’ll be doing along the way— or when you arrived,

for me? I don’t know a f*ck about where I’m about to go and what should I do.

Each and every one of us, have our own struggles, and we’ve built a system around that struggle to stay sane and alive, if you don’t mind me throwing something out of the thesaurus, a coping mechanism.

A mechanism so uniquely built by each of us, to protect us from whatever it is that endanger every part of us.

I’m no expert, but by observing myself and my surroundings, I think it’s safe to say that we human need purpose to keep alive, a higher purpose, one of the thing that define us as human, keeping us sane, and make us whole.

We human is very dependent on that purpose, you might have found your holy purposes, others might still in phase where they’re thinking that their life have no purpose, lot of others have their purpose subjectively wrong.

Go find yours.

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In the journey along the path.

I often doubting myself, not sure how to approach thing, how would I present myself to the world, how the world perceive me, or worse— doubting my definition of “the world”.

I’m not good enough, I didn’t deserve this, I’m not there yet.

I feel like, I don’t know me, I don’t know how the f*ck can I be here, all the struggle, all the wrongdoing and all of the thing in between, till I arrive at the point where I ask “WTF is this?”

“It’s not me, I do xxx because I need to xxx so that I can xxx, you can ask xxx about this” were one of the excuses and the blaming.

Relying on Universe’s blip of fortune or luck of sort, to feel like thing is finally going somewhere, to find out that every other thing is going all the way south the next morning.

I don’t like this feeling at all, or to be in this sort of situation, but sometimes I let my thought to go bananas, resulting in through that this is some sort of permanent, not a phase, this is my default state.

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This game that we are all playing, the game of being an adult, that don’t know shit about basically anything, we just act that we do, we just deceiving ourselves.

We are all just NPC acting and thinking as if we are the main character on this multi-dimensional plane we called Universe, while the truth is we don’t know shit.

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Hopefully-someday-TM, I, you, and all of us, can make it out, and becoming ourselves again, you don’t even realize that this thing was ever happen.

Life is shit.

Pain is a must, suffering is optional. Pain is manageable because it promises to be temporary.